Tit for Tat

Not long ago I admitted to myself that i get bored with myself.

I had always needed the assistance of other, their acceptance and validation. In my teen years I did many things only because of feeling expected to.

Gladly I had some very good teachers. They loved me, taught me to feel love, to know love and to even turn that love inwards. They then left.

Not long ago i thank them for having left, for having forced that solitude upon me, for making me deal with me, know me, and live a life according to it. I may have judge it, i may have tried to change it. But it was needed, it was worth it and for your service I am grateful.

For i am grateful for where and how i am today and just that validates all of what i've been through, cause it all has led me here and if i were able to change anything i would change this also.

For being thankful for this i'm thankful for that

a little history

In 2006 I first experienced what it was to have a vision and perspective of my own.




I was studying, my parents were living abroad, my brother was rarely home, I had means and friends. Younger I has been diagnosed with gastritis and was given a list of food to avoid and another list of pills to take, 6 in total, some for gas, some for reflux, some to digest better and another to protect the inner walls of my stomach. Up until that year I had been working in a big corporation, I worked overtime, like everybody else, but it was taking a toll in my body, my metabolism accelerated and I lost 15 pounds of an already small frame.



Soon enough, and against my father’s wishes I quit my job and focused of finishing school and taking care of my body.



I gave up the pills and started cooking everything for myself. All I ate I made from raw. Taking care on how I was cutting the vegetables, how was I mixing the ingredients, the thoughts I was having, the intentions, how I moved the wooden spoon and how was this matter being transformed by fire. I ate seated, no TV, taking everything in, focusing my attention on nurturing. I learned to make bread and felt working the dough was interacting with living things. I tried, in sum, to focus my attention on everything I had been doing in routine.



December that year I was thriving! I felt alive. That month a group of friends left for a 10 day trip to a town called ‘El Pauji’ on the verge of the Guayaness Tepuy were the rock breaks and the Amazonian forest is displayed like a carpet of broccoli under our feet. Hours before leaving for that trip I wrote:



The Sun is going down and I have the feeling this is the last time I’ll look at a sunset the way i’m seeing this now. In one way or another I’m saying goodbye to myself. Who knows how will I come back, how will I change and how will I look upon this same sunsets. My excitement has been growing and I can-t almost believe how it this trip itches in my chest, breasts and throat.



I came back a different woman. Up until this day I refer to that time as “the time I lived at ‘El Pauji’” and it was only 10 Gregorian days! Living there I felt elevated from all unnecessary and transitory until fully understanding all I needed was water, earth, wind and fire. People around me were all my family and no one judged or impose on others. It was bliss. Leaving town there Is a sign that reads “save us in your heart, keep the magic alive” There I had my first vision of the daughter I was going to have.



In my teen years I had been quite promiscuous, I always thought that I was expected to give myself to men, ever since that trip I took full awareness of my body: my temple and took and take much care in who I let in. I do not wall myself but do organize in circles, inner and outer. I protect myself, my spirit and light. I love to visualize a cocoon inside lies a candle light. I figure if I keep my light safeguarded from everything that is outside, I can turn my sight inward if outside darkness reigns. I have faith, I believe.

a Ritual

Doing any sequence of activities in a specific order and with a specific intention can change the way we look at things. All dogmas have theirs, and there are used to emanate a certain vibration that even our thoughts resonate with. It activates a perception that we so falsely call reality. Rituals are very very powerful only when they allowed to have that power, the only rule really is to let them in and thus be.


We are disconnected from our bodies, intuition and the female aspects of the psyche dormant.

I believe it's very important for woman to take in the cycled expressions of her self. Understanding what takes place in each phase it's important to being aware and exerting control on the mind.

This ritual was given to me by a friend who received it from a Shaman in the Amazonian, it was conceived as a way to awaken, cultivate to the inner voice and reconnect with the source and all the feminine energies and qualities. Much needed in this overly masculine world.

The first day of the flow she was ordered rest, of the mind and body a space to evaluate the cycle that was ending, to take that blood as a 'little death' and review what has happened during that moon, how are you building your inner self, have you gone against you, how is your light and shadow, do you accept yourself? in sume all the questions we are too busy to make on a daily basis. In my case I used to cry and cry, I always suffered many pains, very strong cramps, low blood pressure. Nowadays I've figured that each month i cried and pained over the unfulfilled promise of life, my womb was aching a baby,

The second day she said we had to give back, to the earth, the Pachamama and many other names, she said it was enough to pee on land, though some women recollect their blood and mix it with soil (it makes great fertilizer) and I read in a Isabel Allende's cooking book Afrodite that some african women make a dough and rub it on their vaginas while menstruating then bake it and offer them to their partner. This are only two examples of related blood mysteries and magic. The important aspect is to remember that as we take we will have to give back. Seems this though has long been forgotten.

The third day she ordered to cleanse. With salts or flowers, cleanse the body, massage it and rinse from all the negative aspects, emotions, thoughts etc. It can also be done by organizing your room, house, life, desk, purse. The act of organizing something also reflects on our mind and psyche so we can better understand our challenges and opportunities our strengths and weaknesses and work in the accordingly with each.

The forth day she said we had to celebrate. Go out in the open, dance with or without music, move the body to any type of rhythm even if it is your own heart. Celebrate you are the living force!

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There is a sea of knowledge at our disposal.

It is fun if you invent your rituals too, they can mean anything you intend them to mean. And work only because you make them, for other it is possible and probable that won't mean anything and that's OK 'cause those people are entitled to their truths as well.

Tune into yours.

In lake'ch

Inception

My first period after childbirth is yet to come. It has been almost 2 years from conception. I feel how time has come and gone. And so much has been lived within this "time" that my self feels older than I guess I should. Some weeks ago I casually referred to older woman to a time "when I was young", they simultaneously laughed

-ja! when you 'were' young.

However, growing a being inside me and feeling it ripen and tear from my self and into emergence, unto existence has definitely pushed me into a deeper and unexplored side of myself. There is a calmness and strength that the immediate and overexcited eyes of earlier days could not have let me see. I feel I see clearer.

In adolescence -my aunts call it aborrecence- all was felt with great intensity, but almost always just one feeling at a time. Everything was so important, all imperious. Make it or break it kind of deal. I love, I hate, I fear, I hurt and tear. So much I cried that there are lines on my cheeks that are fairer than the rests from the stream. With same intensity I smiled and made mistakes and love and lost. All I’ve lost to life and to this day only few to death.

Now, after beginning this experience of motherhood I find my self often having two feelings at the same time. In half asleep in the middle of the night wishing she would just give up and the she touches my face and my heart swells, I can't help to smile and swear feel a bit drugged. I still want to sleep but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I know it could be agued that it’s a hormonal cocktail enhanced by extended breastfeeding (she is 14 months) and by the fact that we were both wide awake without anesthesia or chemical hormones when we met and that triggered an 'impronta'. We are printed in each other.

She is one of the things in my life that can never de undone.

At that there is a physical explanation does not deny my spiritual experience, if ever, the fact that there is fact to my perception only adds to the magic of it all. Just because i can tell you how the sperm reaches the egg and fertilizes it does not mean i can understand the magic of it. While pregnant researching I learned that the sperms runs a marathon to get to the egg, that the uterus has chemistry and can kill sperm, that many get to the egg but when one or more reaches the nucleus others that are left half way, tail out, they continue moving and that movement makes the egg move and reach the endometrium, implant and grow.

I have true passion for these subjects; I feel a work of life in them. If we can heal how children come into this world we can heal humankind.

I’m not the girl I used to be and I’m glad, I’m a woman now. I feel something triggered in me and that I can’t never go back, who I was is no more.

Thankfully I give grace for these changes. I know with certain that each day go deeper and higher into me and that everything that happens will help me in that knowledge until the day comes when I finally realize in experience that I am in everything. And all is in me.

I know that when I’ll die I’ll just wake up*

*can you tell I just saw ‘Inception’?

The Mayan Calendar

The Mayan Calendar

We (all) are (is) One.

In this universe everything interacts.

In our system our primary influences are The Sun and The Moon.

Everyday the earth is subject to the physical impact of the energy that emanates from these bodies.

Everything sustained by life is grown by the energy from The Sun, all forms formed and segmented as colors in a rainbow.  Things that logically separate, camel is no elephant earth is no sky. 

From The Moon comes the moods, the waves, the intuition, especially woman’s or better said, the feminine aspect of things, the flint and tinder, the kundalini, all that initiates and elevates.

 The wave and frequency of this vibes change everyday and interpolate to create a matrix. The dreamspell calendar affirms that this matrix is formed by 20 Solar Seals and 13 Lunar tones. The matrix then forms 260 kin. I’m kin 185. 

According to this the day I was born –and each of us- there was a specific vibe by which all the atoms in my body resonate to.  Funny enough pregnancy is known to last 260+13 days on average from conception.

So for this calendar on one year there are 260 days. There are also 260 combination one person can be.

There are 20 possible signs (similar to the concept of astrological signs a very related to Jung’s Archetypes) It is, as said, the form.

There are 13 Lunar Tones, they represent growth from magnetism and initiation to cosmic transcendence. It is how and with what purpose each form expresses itself. 

This calendar is cyclical by definition, time is not linear but circular ascending, as DNA does. There are numerous counts, and math and numbers play a huge part, bigger that i know now how to process. 

2012 is the end of the long count. 

'They' have predicted 7 worlds and this is only the fourth. Still transition are transformation are the order of these days. 

The End is Near - beyond unveiled

We've all, in one way or another, have been having feelings of change. Time, it seems, is going faster, feeling faster, days roll into weeks, and months and years. Where are we so fastly approaching?

The Maya's long count end is around the corner. What will come?

Well, most likely just the next chapter.

I have heard that the reason Nostradamus only predicted up until these ages was because from then on (from now on) nothing was written in stone and the world to come would be a direct shape of ALL of OUR actions and decisions TODAY